HOW TO WIN MEDALS AT THE OLYMPICS

Nigerians are disappointed: some are depressed, and some saddened by the dismal performance of our athletes at the just concluded 2012 summer Olympics in London.

Keen followers of sports would remember the strong assurances given to Nigerians by sport administrators (who wanted to use such assurances to attract more money to their departments and pockets) that our athletes would bring home medals after the Olympics. Well, the athletes came back empty handed- without even a clay medal. What a shame!

I watched a T.V. program where two men argued on the reasons why our athletes performed so poorly. One said, “We don’t have talented youths.” The other argued, “The sports administrators are to blame.”

I agree with the latter.

How can a right thinking person say that there are no talented Nigerian youths? That’s not true. Look everywhere in Nigeria, you’ll see raw, untapped talent.

Now I’ll bet that Usain Bolt can’t beat some of our boys who hawk Gala beef meat on our highways, from Lagos to Port Harcourt to Kano. These boys can pursue a moving vehicle, catch up with it, and even overtake it. It’s a wonderful sight to behold. If Usain Bolt was Nigerian, he’d probably be lost in the throngs of highway hawkers daily employing their talents in the sale of their goods and wares.

But I think the Olympics are not completely fair. If the International Olympic Committee should include some of our favourite pastimes, we would definitely win a basketful of medals. Come to think of it, our athletes would be world champions if some activities popular in Nigeria are made Olympic events.

This is what I mean. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have internet scamming as an Olympic event? Oh yes, in fact the rest of the world wouldn’t bother to send athletes for this event. This would definitely be a clean sweep.

Consider a pot and/or marijuana smoking competition. No. Seriously, our youths would excel. The Jamaicans might not stand a chance against us. If you think I’m kidding, go to Enyimba stadium when there’s a football match going on. From the gate, you’ll think the stadium is on fire. You’ll notice a large cloud of grey-coloured smoke rising from one of the stands - the Columbia stand. That’s the drug-free stand. Not even the police would dare trespass. Draw closer and you’ll swear there’s a weed-smoking competition going on. It’ll probably be a good idea to push for it to be made an Olympic sport.

Another event is church and mosque bombing or burning. Has it ever occurred to you how many churches and mosques have been burnt by youths in the name of religious riots? Again, another clean sweep.

What about oil bunkering contest? Nigeria can be sure of three gold medals because it’ll be in categories. There’ll be the heavyweight category, featuring top government officials; the middle-weight category, featuring some oil companies; and the feather-weight category, featuring militants and local youth groups.

Another event which might win us some medals, and draw contestants from Oshodi and Aba motor parks- could be the pick-pocket competition. I say this because only a few days ago, a tout tried to steal money from my breast pocket. How can you beat such dexterity (or is it stupidity)? I am awed.

No Nigerian needs a clairvoyant to predict the reaction of the Nigerian government to our dismal outing at the Olympics. Quite normally, a high-powered committee will be constituted to investigate the reasons for the athletes’ inability to win any medal. Permit me to suggest that the committee should consider the aforementioned proposals so as to push for their inclusion in the next Olympics.

Come on, these are our strong points. Or aren’t they?